Through it all
February 11, 2011 § Leave a comment
I guess i’ve abandoned wordpress for over a month. and i think its back to recording my thoughts and after a really long talk with Kai Wen just a few days ago, and Eileen a day before that, i guess just for my memory’s sake i should record down what’s been going on for a month. and a little bit more.
So i guess if you guys realized two posts ago, i posted about this song talking about how i may love this person, but i know that things can’t work out anymore and how this other guy came along. what’s new in this love life of mine anyway? but ah well.
don’t get me wrong. i still do have feelings for him. and i’ve yet to get over him completely .
and initially, just last week i was still in a total wreck. deciding, wondering if i should give this one more try.
Everything was just too terribly painful to let go.
it hurt even more because i had nobody to turn to. having terribly realistic friends, i guess at that point of time, i knew their stand. i knew that i have already made that decision. i should stick to it. but it was terrible having to hide that i was really affected by everything. i cried and cried and nobody else realised what i was going through.
Probably to my cellgroup (especially to those in it that i’ve grown to be dependant on and trust alot) if i did let them know i was sad, they would probably think i’m shallow. i wont be surprise. the story that got out IS terribly shallow.
so after compiling a list of pros and cons, after sleepless crying nights, i know that i should stand strong in my decision.
i guess i’m just going to re list everything out , for my benefit this time. i’m done thinking for you and of you as a lover, as someone who took my heart, slowly plucking my veins out one by one, bit by bit, “but only because you love me “ said you.
and also because to remember, to write it down and remind myself not to make such mistakes again.
What hurts :
- you thought i didnt love you in the beginning
- how much you realise you need me now and how much you want to try
- how you gave me the hope of you being changed when you get in and out of NS
- how , in the beginning you promised to never be like my exes and lay hand on me you did anyway
- how afterwards you promised you wont make me have sex with you until i’m ready but you did anyway
- how you said you’ll be there for me but your sleep was more important than my panics and fear
- how we always argue
- how you only thought about yourself. yes, i know i do that too. but i’m pretty sick of you complaining of distance, of me not spending time with you and of every other time that everything i did was not enough for you and i dont see your efforts says you.
- how you always get upset that once in awhile i casually remind you that i have a life and i have friends that i’d like to go hangout with
- and i guess how time and again, how i felt that i love and love and love and you claim to love but your little actions show me otherwise.
- how all the times you said you care but when i really needed you, you weren’t there.
Ofcourse there were the good times to.
- the first time you said you liked me when i was on the way home from work. it was an sms.
- the first time we went out on a date on christmas, we had japanese food
- the first time you held my hand
- the first time we kissed
- the first time i thought that you were the best thing that happened to me
- the first time i realised i loved someone so much
- the first time i had nightmares of you leaving, and you would comfort me
- the first time i stayed over and we spent the night watching a movie and just talking
- the first time we went overseas together .
- the first time we had our beach picnic
- the times we talked about our dreams
- the times we teased each other, tickling each other
- the times we talked about our future and how we want our lives to be
- how you’d work hard for your dream and i’d work for mine.
it was all so beautiful. it was all once upon a time.
if i was a princess, a damsel in distress,
i guess you weren’t my knight in shining armour. but perhaps a prince. awaiting the easy way out. and because i proved to be too much of a challenge for you, slowly you gave up. took a different turn.
truth to be told i still feel like crap
while typing this out, my chest starts tightening. my heart starts to beat furiously in pain.
but when i look back at everything. at the moment i took my stand, and decided to go back on the path that was meant for me, i see God right beside me. I see Him slowly encouraging me. with blessings.
be it materially, or with my friends and family.
even though nothing can be as good or replace the love and pain i feel for you, slowly i’ll get stronger.
How have i managed to face you up till now, treat you normally like a good friend, i’d be lying if i said i dont really know. because i know that every single time, just before the split second i receive your sms, your MSN, or even see you.
I hear that whisper in my heart telling me that its going to be alright. I feel a warm embrace right behind me, engulfing me in peace and strength. Maybe.
In my life, you were never a mistake. it has been a really good 2010 with you.
but i’m ready to take a step out in faith and believe that its time to move on.
In hopes that you will too. I believe that you have just started your life. and i wish you well.