I Wonder

July 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

I have so much emotions and words running through my mind. 

I haven’t been penning them down like i had 3 years ago so I’m rusty. 

But one thing’s for certain. Life is better. Getting so much better. 

Trying the 100 happy days challenge initially proved to be difficult. Finding something to be happy about each day was pure torture. 

Now, it’s still a problem. but a happy problem. My problem has morphed from: nothing to be happy about, to what do i choose today because so much has made me happy. 

I am blessed. I am loved. and most of all, I am happy. 

3 months ago, I never thought I could be happy again. 3 months later, I am enjoying my life ; probably a little too much. 

I am empowered each day. Loved daily. Pampered hourly. Blessed and cared for. 

I never would’ve found out how much more I was worth if I continued to be stuck and drag myself in the dumps. and for that, I have my dearest friends to thank. From the people who I’ve known from less than a year, to 10 years plus. Whether in constant contact or not, 

I love all of you. 

You all know who you are. Wo ai ni men. 

I wanted to write a personal thank you to each of you. But there are so many names, it’d be slightly impractical. 

Thats when I realised something very important. I am truly very very blessed. 
I am truly truly loved. and truly truly fortunate. 

Up till now, so many of you are concerned and love me. Willing to offer your own heart to heal mine. Willing to spend time on me, no matter what time of the day. 

You, who have heard that i’m drinking, insisted on driving all the way down from wherever they are staying, to send me home just so i can be safe. Who has been nothing but the kindest and saying the sweetest words to me, being the most gentlemanly guy ever. 

Just 3 months ago, I never ever believed I could be so lucky. 

You, who drove me and Lovey all around SG at 1 in the morning even though you had to wake up and go to work at 6am the next day with no complaints. Who put my feelings first, and didnt want to hurt me. 

I always wondered if I’d ever be truly happy again. 
And now, I feel so silly for thinking that way. 

I wondered if I was the worst person on earth to have been treated this way. 
But no, I wasnt. I have come to terms with it. I have grown to love myself more. And even though I did things your way, You were pure unlucky that I grew to love it, and that’s when you panicked. 

Have fun controlling your new puppet. You alone know how much I’ve kept for you and suffered for you. Should you be scared? Yes you should. I really am so tempted each day I see/hear you happy. But I am better than that. I love myself too much to waste any more time on you. 

I wonder each day, whether you suffer the guilt i go through each day. Every single night. Every morning when I wake up. 

I wonder if you hear her cries, the same way I dream about her. 

I wonder each day if you can feel the pain i went through. 

 

I’ve always been strong. And now I’m gonna come up stronger. I always bounce in my steps because I’m always happy. And I always bounce back up better. 

 

Now it’s time to bounce back up again. I’ve been negative enough, pessimistic enough and done being so jaded. 

 

It’s time to get my life back. Watch out world. I’m back. 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading I Wonder at Jessica's Mess.

meta

%d bloggers like this: