I just want you to know who I am.

August 26, 2014 § Leave a comment

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cus I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be… 

 

No matter how high the skies separate us
The stars may bind us
The wind may howl 
Lightning strikes
And tears may fall
I hope you never find my fault

Because all I ever did was love you
And all I ever wanted was to care

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Pursuit of Happiness

August 9, 2014 § Leave a comment

Happiness is a journey, a neverending one. 

That’s what all the quotes say. But over the past few months, after embarking on the happiness challenge, I realised. Happiness can always be found when you choose to see it. 

Doing a mid-year stock-take, I have grown to love myself more, to live a little better ; to treasure the people around me and open my eyes wider to that which is of the world. 

I have grown to be a little wiser, a little better. and of course, I’m still learning. 

The whole week has been very trying for me. Trying to rehome Lovey, rushing for my classes, running from place to place. But what has touched me so much was the amount of kind words I’ve received from people I least expect it. 

From sengy’s mum, thank you. it may seem like nothing to you, but those kind words and that one sentence have touched me so much and showed how much you trust me. For that , i am truly grateful. 
Papa Chendrew, thank you for all your kind words, helpful advice and support. Thank you for telling me what the people at WM and FK think of me, and especially the customers and friends I have met over there, have all shared such wonderful things that you have shared so much with me. I have learnt so much from you as well. 
From Joanne, thank you for always teaching me in ways you know how, you seem more like a sister to me than just my ex-student’s mum or a friend. And also for showing me how much love a person can have. And also for letting me know when Jayden asks for me or how often or what he says. I really really appreciate it and you don’t know how much it touches me to hear when he asks for me or when I ring the bell and hear him excitedly running to the door and asking for me. It is what truly makes my week better. 

 

Teaching and sharing has brought so much joy into my life. Truly this year is the best year yet. It may have started rocky, but it sure is turning out for the best. 

I have love from so many people, from the best people in the world that I will never trade away for even if it means my life. 

Thank God for challenges. They make me so much stronger. and thank God for showing me that my back can carry the load, but God, you are always willing to send the beautiful angels in my life in to share my burden. 

 

There’s no need to pursue happiness. Happiness is right here. In the now. As long as I remember to look. 

August 8, 2014 § Leave a comment

為什麼我那麼犯賤?!

I Wonder

July 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

I have so much emotions and words running through my mind. 

I haven’t been penning them down like i had 3 years ago so I’m rusty. 

But one thing’s for certain. Life is better. Getting so much better. 

Trying the 100 happy days challenge initially proved to be difficult. Finding something to be happy about each day was pure torture. 

Now, it’s still a problem. but a happy problem. My problem has morphed from: nothing to be happy about, to what do i choose today because so much has made me happy. 

I am blessed. I am loved. and most of all, I am happy. 

3 months ago, I never thought I could be happy again. 3 months later, I am enjoying my life ; probably a little too much. 

I am empowered each day. Loved daily. Pampered hourly. Blessed and cared for. 

I never would’ve found out how much more I was worth if I continued to be stuck and drag myself in the dumps. and for that, I have my dearest friends to thank. From the people who I’ve known from less than a year, to 10 years plus. Whether in constant contact or not, 

I love all of you. 

You all know who you are. Wo ai ni men. 

I wanted to write a personal thank you to each of you. But there are so many names, it’d be slightly impractical. 

Thats when I realised something very important. I am truly very very blessed. 
I am truly truly loved. and truly truly fortunate. 

Up till now, so many of you are concerned and love me. Willing to offer your own heart to heal mine. Willing to spend time on me, no matter what time of the day. 

You, who have heard that i’m drinking, insisted on driving all the way down from wherever they are staying, to send me home just so i can be safe. Who has been nothing but the kindest and saying the sweetest words to me, being the most gentlemanly guy ever. 

Just 3 months ago, I never ever believed I could be so lucky. 

You, who drove me and Lovey all around SG at 1 in the morning even though you had to wake up and go to work at 6am the next day with no complaints. Who put my feelings first, and didnt want to hurt me. 

I always wondered if I’d ever be truly happy again. 
And now, I feel so silly for thinking that way. 

I wondered if I was the worst person on earth to have been treated this way. 
But no, I wasnt. I have come to terms with it. I have grown to love myself more. And even though I did things your way, You were pure unlucky that I grew to love it, and that’s when you panicked. 

Have fun controlling your new puppet. You alone know how much I’ve kept for you and suffered for you. Should you be scared? Yes you should. I really am so tempted each day I see/hear you happy. But I am better than that. I love myself too much to waste any more time on you. 

I wonder each day, whether you suffer the guilt i go through each day. Every single night. Every morning when I wake up. 

I wonder if you hear her cries, the same way I dream about her. 

I wonder each day if you can feel the pain i went through. 

 

I’ve always been strong. And now I’m gonna come up stronger. I always bounce in my steps because I’m always happy. And I always bounce back up better. 

 

Now it’s time to bounce back up again. I’ve been negative enough, pessimistic enough and done being so jaded. 

 

It’s time to get my life back. Watch out world. I’m back. 

Fate, you bitch.

July 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

Yes. Ofcourse the next gentlemanly guy who is incessantly sweet and nice drives a nice car. 

Yes. Ofcourse the guy makes me think : okay . maybe can look and see how this goes 

and YES ofcourse fate has to be a little bitch and give me such a scenario whereby he is so closely connected to you. 

 

WELL DONE FATE. THANKS. YOU LITTLE BITCH. 

You basically just somehow killed off all forms of interest by atleast 50%. 

You touched my heart, and you touched my soul again.

July 6, 2014 § Leave a comment

 

You gave me time
When no one gave me time of day
You looked deep inside
While the rest of the world looked away
You smiled at me
When there weren’t just friends everywhere

You gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

That’s why I call you savior
That’s why I call you friend
‘Cause you touched my heart
You touched my soul
And helped me start all over again

That’s why I love you Jesus
That’s why I’ll always care

‘Cause you gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

You gave me laughter
After I’d cried all my tears
You heard my dreams
While the rest of the world just closed the tears
I looked in your eyes and I found such tenderness there

‘Cause you gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer

That’s why I call you savior
That’s why I call you friend
‘Cause you touched my heart
And you touched my soul
And helped me start all over again

And that’s why I love you Jesus
That’s why I’ll always care

‘Cause you gave me love
When nobody gave me a prayer
Yes he gives us love
When nobody gives us a prayer

The Serenity Prayer

June 22, 2014 § Leave a comment

Because it’s what kept me going.

Managed to catch service online today. Truly a wake up call.

Just because I asked, doesn’t mean I get what I want. It means I will receive what is better for me.

I will keep seeking. Even if i have to be on crutches and blinded, broken and divided. I will continue until I find it. and find You.

Just because I don’t know where I’m going, does not mean I can’t keep moving. I will get there.

I have been a survivor for so long. I will continue to be one.

Besides, like a dear friend who rushed all the way down from camp by taking urgent off made me yell and repeat to myself everyday.

I CAN DO THIS. BECAUSE I AM JESSICA.

As lame as it sounded, yelling it out really made me feel better.

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