What Do You Choose to Feel On your Deathbed?

Watching House used to make me feel miserable, painfully jaded, yet more ready and set for the sad world we live in. Ever since I stopped, I find it harder to commune, to relate and to take a painfully neutral side to things.  And now, I have taken to viewing the world through rose-tinted windows. Kind of a really bad thing because now whatever hits me feels like a whirlwind.

Time to get back to ole Greg and James Wilson. How I miss my late nights watching them, learning life lessons and medical conditions.

So here’s leaving with a question I saw while bloghopping.

What do you choose to feel on your deathbed?

Friendships.

What’s the point of knowing a group of people for more than five years, but you can’t open up to them+they find time to even have a good chat with you for more than an hour?

And a group of people you / people in general you meet for just about a year or less and you can converse with them like the best of friends, going to them whenever you are upset?

 

I have met many people. Grew closer with some and then ending the friendships/relationships. But I’m proud to say at least that road was taken and that path has been tried and tested. And I learnt that much from those failed friendships and relationships. Rather than a path that was mundane all the time. a straight road.

What say you about a group of lukewarm friends i see regularly but honestly, I never really confided in? infact, am i even allowed to say they are considered friends?

And its not because I don’t want to either. Its more of, I don’t feel welcomed. Don’t feel the acceptance. Just feel the lukewarm atmosphere/feeling instead of feeling like they really treat me as a friend. And it’s not even the fact that I won’t tell them what happen. Its more on, you see me, a friend, upset, act like a friend.

Is it just me to not want something that is so blah all the time, with normal blah feelings and having the normal blah conversations? Because it’s definitely un-progressive and boring to have mundane feelings and relationships all the time. And when that happens, for too long, I tend to give up and just leave it on the shelf, not bothering anymore.

Maybe that’s why recently I just feel so horrible and have sleepless nights.

With so much family problems piling up, I really don’t want to try and give two hoots about this anymore.

So what if I’m in this friendship for more than four or five years. If everyone’s too busy for everyone else. I wouldn’t even care anymore. I bet they don’t even know that I put them in my heart at all.

I’ve been in your midst for so long, and all I ever was , was invisible. then fine. I should probably disappear.

Because it hurts, it numbs. and after awhile. it disappeared.

What an alcoholic night…

Well, the good thing is, I finally talked to someone else who isn’t in my usual social circle. Like the typical go to cg for awhile and then suddenly backslide/OR THE BOYFRIEND.

Ah well, atleast I know what I’m supposed to do now, guess i have to wait till Wednesday and see how things go.

Somehow venting doesn’t make me feel any better today. or maybe it did, just a little bit. But it’s kind of so little to the extent that it is nonexistant.

/shrug

ANYWAY. I have since realised that many people have actually switched from asking me for dinner, to supper and drinks. Isn’t this suppose to be the working adults socialising ? I’m definitely not a working adult yet. ):

AND. There’s this whole tummy i’m getting, i realise not from eating alot, but from alcohol. ); grrrawr!

That along with paying for my insurance. As well as the whole thing about how conversations with my friends no longer are about bitchy classmates or school, but of rising ezlink fares/gst etc. Its getting really depressing.

But nonetheless, a great night with darling, Van, Ken Liew and Ken 😀

Dinner and a Bus ride

Had a somewhat of a mini-‘farewell‘ dinner with the boy last night, walked around the bookshop (fell in love with a few, was amused at some), then ended up with a very somewhat out of character spontaneity of a random bus ride to no where.

whatever insecurities i was feeling that night was in such a state of fluctuation. but everything was soon put right with sincerity and heartfelt words.

I think We had the most thoughtless, random conversation with each other last night. about pretty much the same as when we were at sentosa. probably one that i wouldn’t be caught dead talking about.

I had lots of fun last night. It makes me feel that nothing in the world can bring me down. and if there was, I’d have him with me to face it.

‘cus its you and me against the world

Day 8 : What i ate today : Macaroni 😀

P.S. i haven’t left yet but i can’t to be back. Mini makeover, here i comeeeeeeee 😀